So this week, we’ve begun to place items on our registries. Oh my goodness, I had no idea how complex this would be!  I mean, thanks to our dear friends Alejandro and Renee, we have a list of everything we’d potentially need. Thanks for that guys!

But where to start? There are about 100 items on the list that we need to have or seriously consider. To add to the complication, each item has probably 15-20 brands available on the market each saying it’s better than the other, each with reviews that counter each other, and on and on it goes. For example, and forgive me for the gratuitous use of the term “nipple” but, we were looking at the type of bottles we wanted to buy. We decided on the same bottles our friends used but we also need to get “replacement nipples” for the bottles. I guess that babies go through them pretty quickly. Strong Suckers eh!? (boom-boom-ching) So we are looking through the details on the bottles we are getting. Nothing on the site describes what kinds of nipples you need to get for the stinking bottles. So I think to myself “Just look for the same brand nipple and match up the size to the bottle.” Right? Seems logical to me anyway. Well, not so easy! There are only two nipple packs available in that brand and they are called “Level 2 wide-mouth bottle replacement nipples” and “Level 3 wide-mouth bottle replacement nipples”. Now, I’m thinking to myself, what the heck are level 2 and 3 supposed to mean? Well, apparently level 2 means they are for 3-6 month old babies, and level 3 is for 6-12 month olds. Great!  So what if I need more nipples for my newborn? So the hole in the nipple is bigger for the older the baby gets right? So since they don’t provide level 1 (do they exist?) nipples, we better hope that Caleb doesn’t need suck so hard that he breaks all his nipples because then what would we do? I mean, we can’t let him drink too fast now can we, because somehow in the whole of the history of the world, only now in America have we figured out that babies have to have holes in their nipples that are only exactly 1.24375793347 nanometers in diameter… because after all, if the hole is .00000032 nanometers bigger, heaven help us he might have GAS!!

So can I get on a soapbox for a moment and ask why in the world have we made baby gear so scientific and exacting? Everything that comes out has 37 pages of warnings in 187 languages about if you don’t follow the 48-step process to strap your baby into his pack and play that he will manage to kill himself…. and then they recall every item because the instructions weren’t complicated enough and the baby might somehow manage to pull the warning tags off and eat them resulting in the most horrid condition… worse than dying…. GAS!
Ok, I think I’m done, but please, someone tell me why we’ve gone so nuts about this? I  mean, I want to be safe and care for my child, but my gosh, everything everywhere can suffocate, dislocate, maim, kill, and the worst, cause GAS! I mean, human’s have been raising their children for perhaps 10,000 years. I think babies are a bit more resilient than we make them out to be. Do you that they now have knee pads for babies so when they start to crawl they don’t mangle up their knees in some unknown, unholy way that will forever scar them? YES America, we now place knee pads on children who have not even grown knee caps yet! Oh, and don’t get me started on infant helmets! My gosh people! Babies are made out of rubber! They bounce! If we can’t learn to trust in the Lord a bit for the protection of our children, then what kind of faith do we have? I think God knew what he was doing. 10,000 years of babies being born and only now in the last 10 years do we suddenly need all this junk!

PUT A HELMET ON!

…. AND SLAM IT DOWN TIGHT! (Reference Apostles of Comedy)